Suddenly now, I know where I belong.
Travelling north, travelling north to find you
Train wheels beating, the wind in my eyes
Don’t even know what I’ll find when I get to you
Call out your name love, don’t be surprisedIt’s so many miles and so long since I’ve left you
Don’t even know what I’ll find when I get to you
But suddenly now, I know where I belong
It’s many hundred miles and it won’t be longNothing at all, in my head, to say to you
Only the beat of the train I’m on
Nothing I’ve learned all my life on the way to you
One day our love was over and goneIt’s so many miles and so long since I’ve met you
Don’t even know what I’ll say when I get to you
But suddenly now, I know where I belong
It’s many hundred miles and it won’t be longWhat will I do if there’s someone there with you
Maybe someone you’ve always known
How do I know I can come and give to you
Love with no warning and find you aloneIt’s so many miles and so long since I’ve met you
Don’t even know what I’ll find when I get to you
But suddenly now, I know where I belong
It’s many hundred miles and it won’t be long
I get too tired after midday, lately.
This is it. I know I’ve been saying that for a while, but you must feel the resignation. Is it resignation? Is it renewal? Is it some kind of rebirth? Is it forgetting the horrors of the past at the expense of the joys there? Is it letting the past go, where it can run wild and free across the plains?
I don’t know how to love.
I’d take you home after midnight, and I’ll tell myself lies; how I’ll be in love by the morning. I’ll look myself in the mirror, and see the paunch, see the few spots still on my chin, see the hairs on the vanity, on my hands, and I’ll say what I always say; “It could be worse.”
Don’t go, say you’ll stay.
I’ll never spend those lazy Sundays.
“Everyone loves Reilly.” “Why?” “Because you talk to everyone.”
Why didn’t I take the opportunity sooner?
“You’re awesome.” “I know.” “You wish.” “No, I really am.” Laughs.
There isn’t much left, in any of it. I’m not going to be up the front, that’s their job now. I do not do, I do not do, anymore black shoe. I laugh my head off at that, every single time.
I’ll see scruffy skinny and beautiful, maybe, one time.
“You might be surprised.”
I don’t think so.
Resignation, renewal, everything, everything, everything in between. Izzy, Emily, Lydia, Alice, Jordan, Hana, Katey, everyone else. This is it. This is as far as I can run, as far as this train can carry me.
The whistle blows, the conductor is yelling all aboard, and the slowest moving train is picking up speed.
Am I onboard, or am I standing on the platform?
Which one leads to happiness, to renewal? Which one leads to love, and loss, and falling, and being saved, all the things Lily dreamed about? Which one leads to the girl and her egg? Which one releases balloons, and remembers little Charlotte, and what she means?
“ALL ABOARD!”
The slowest moving train is leaving the station.
I’m staying right here, on the platform, and I’ll let it sail right past.
I’m home, now, as home as I’m content to be at the moment. I can watch the faces in the carriages as they pass, and wave goodbye, to those that meant something and those that never got a chance to. I love you, I love you, I love you. I’ll watch my face in the glass, my own tears reflected back to me, and I’ll make a decision.
The writer’s mind is by no means linear. The decision’s already been made.
The train is passing me by, but really, I made the choice to get off. So I’ll wave it goodbye, and I’ll watch it leave.
Reilly de Wilde, whatever’s left of him, is still on board. Aventine stands, fresh and new, on the platform.
A/N: http://mushaboommushaboom.tumblr.com/ is my new blog, to celebrate the end of this chapter of my life, and the beginning of the new one. Plz, follow that, because I’m not going to be posting on The Slowest Moving Train anymore, but it’ll still be sticking around for posterity’s sake.
It’s many hundred miles
But it won’t be long
